Chapter Three: Anxiety

Sebass666: do you have the math notes?

FoundingFather: dude, you know i suck @ math

Sebass666: ik but I wasn't paying attention and I NEED THE NOTES, J

FoundingFather: chill, dude. why dont you just ask Claryn? 

Sebass666: I told you she likes Dracen. 

FoundingFather: Ya, so? You could still ask her for the notes.

Sebass666: I hate you

FoundingFather: Oh no, what will I ever do with myself? Someone hates me. *sarcasm increases*

FoundingFather: Hold on, I think I hear a knock at the door. BRB

Founding Father: ASK CLARYN 

FoundingFather was last online at 6:33pm Tuesday


The computer screen lit up with blue light in the darkness of my room in the morning. Me and J had opposite problems: He couldn't ever go to sleep before 11 and I could never wake up after 5. I'm a morning bird- not that I'm super cheery and annoying or anything- but my brain just functions easier in the morning.
I could hear my little sister, Chelsea, snoring in the room beside me, past these paper thin walls. I looked back at the computer screen- Jefferson still hadn't answered.
I had broken my phone again  a couple of weeks ago, so we had resorted to chatting on Google Hangouts. Jefferson was usually pretty good with answering- unlike me, who would go days without saying anything to him- but he still hadn't responded. And no one has seen him since that day. He wasn't at school, wasn't at the park, wasn't in the hospital. No one, including his girlfriend, Gwen, had seen any sign of him since the day after Christmas. He had just- disappeared.
It was now almost March, and the snow was starting to melt. Our winters were cold, but short. The police had dismissed J as a runaway teen, seeing his record of dramatic gestures, and because there was no evidence of kidnapping or death. But I knew better. J was dramatic, sure, but he was a romantic- he wasn't depressed. He wouldn't have just left.
Now our last conversation lived in the first tab of my computer. I constantly checked to see if he had answered yet. He hadn't.
I sighed and opened the blinds. The sun was rising- dull, faded shades of light pink and yellow just barely touching the horizon. I turned to my closet, pulling on a t-shirt, hoodie, and jeans without much thought, not bothering to put away my pajama pants. I walked downstairs, slowly, to start making breakfast.
I carelessly started cooking eggs, going about my morning routine in an absentminded habitual manner, the way I had every day since J left. I left a plate of eggs on the table for Chelsea, ate mine without tasting them, and walked outside.
The cold air hit me instantly, and I instantly regretted not getting a beanie or scarf, but it was too late to go back now. I started walking, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to ignore the cold wind that bit my nose and the back of my neck, trying to ignore the lack of footsteps behind me, the lack of laughter that usually followed me wherever I went, the lack of breath next to me.
Trying to ignore the lack of Jefferson.
I made my way past the library where he worked, past the park where we used to play basketball, past his favorite ice cream parlor.  One foot in front of the other, I made my way past his shadows. And one foot in front of the other, I made my way into the school where I was doomed to spend my last four months of senior year sitting in a building that reeked of the lack of Jefferson. I sat down, against the brick wall, next to the front enterance, doors that wouldn't open for another 13 minutes and 27 seconds.
One by one the other students arrived, joining me by the entrance, some standing, some sitting, some talking, some on their phones, and a few frantically trying to finish their homework. None of them were Jefferson.
The bell rang and I stood, ignoring the anxious chatter of the other students, pushing my way past the others, walking straight to homeroom. I averted  my eyes from the place where his poster was- student of the month of November. I turned to look at the announcements on the bulletin board, noticing his signature- School Vice President- was absent from the monthly newsletter. I turned past it, walking, one foot in front of the other, to homeroom.
I sat there, not moving, not listening to Mr. Kimball droning on for half an hour. Then I walked past the empty desk in the front of the room and out into the hall when the bell rang.
I was going to Pre-Calc, mostly keeping to myself, looking at the ground, moving one foot in front of the other, when a familiar voice made me look up.
It was Claryn- her bright copper hair standing out in the sea of brown. She was laughing with Gwen, walking to their biology class. I was suddenly very aware of my heartbeat, but I ignored it and kept walking. She likes Dracen, I reminded myself sternly, leaving her behind and ducking into my math class.
I shuffled through the rest of my day, managing somehow to get through the day without having another breakdown. The bell rang and I grabbed my backpack, running out of school, running away from the ghosts that haunted me. I started on my route home, digging into my pockets of my backpack and pulling out a tangled set of earbuds and my new phone. I plugged the earbuds in, only untangling them enough that they could reach to my ears, and I tucked my phone into my hoodie pocket. I had put the music on shuffle, but the song- Paralyzed, by NF- seemed strangely appropriate.
When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue
Feel like they came from someone else
I'm paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I'm paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I’m lost and it kills me inside
I'm paralyzed
When did I become so cold?
When did I become ashamed? 
Where's the person that I know?
They must have left
They must have left
With all my faith

A loud screech of brakes cut through the song, and I looked up in time to see two cars collide. Time seemed to slow down, as one car smashed into the side of the other, and someone was screaming, and I couldn't breathe, I couldn't make any noise, I couldn't move, and OH MY GOSH SOMEONE COULD BE DYING, so I run through the now empty street to the first car and see that the person in the passenger seat is Gwen, head leaning againt the air bag, blood coming out of her mouth and her forehead, and the air was sucked from me again, but I managed to get my phone out and I dialed 911.
"There's been an accident- and I don't know what to do- shelooksreallybadandidontknowwhattodoandihaventevenseentheothercaryetandshesbleedingand Oh my gosh." The lady on the other side was trying to calm me down, and I manged to pick out one phrase- "WHERE ARE YOU?" and it rang through my head and I sat down with my head in my hands, trying to breathe again.
Come on, Sebastian. Breathe. You are fine. You are NOT having a panic attack. Breathe.
I looked up and saw the street signs- Alexander and Oak- and I relayed the directions to the woman on the phone, and I heard her thank me and I hung up.
I couldn't force myself to look at Gwen, so I tried to focus on breathing. Why isn't he here? He would know what to do. He wouldn't be having an anxiety attack.
The police cars came first, and I answered their questions, and they thanked me, and I felt myself nod, but it didn't feel like me. It was like an out of body experience- everything seemed so fast, but not fast enough. The paramedics took Gwen's body into the ambulance- her blonde hair covered her face, and for a second I forgot she might be dying. They drove away, and I pulled out my phone again, and I called the last person I wanted to call, and I was thinking as the phone rang, this is not what Jefferson meant. 
"Hello?" her voice was innocent and cheery- how could it not be? She didn't know what was happening, and I hated myself for doing this to her, I hated myself for having to tell her, but I did it anyway-
"Claryn? This is Sebastian. Gwen- Wendy- whatever- she's been in an accident. She's in the hospital right now." I forced in a shaky breath, trying to calm my voice, trying to remain calm for her. "I wasn't sure what to do, and I thought you would probably know who to contact and stuff, seeing as you are her best friend and whatnot, so-"
"Wait, who is this?" My heart fell through my chest. She didn't even know my name.
"Sebastian." I said. "I am- was- Jefferson's best friend. I watched it happen."
Silence.
"Ok, Thank you."
She hung up, and I lowered the phone.
Then I started walking away, one foot in front of the other.
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Squichy Mushins- Thanks for reading
Maddie- The ball is in your court.